Episode 5 : Family Matters

Our newest episode of Beyond the Grove features Edie Lockett, family therapist for Pine Grove’s Next Step program, as she shares honest, compassionate insight into the role families play in the recovery journey. This conversation offers real guidance on navigating tough emotions, supporting loved ones without losing yourself, and understanding that healing is truly a family process.

If you or someone you love is walking this path, these resources can help:
 Al-Anon Family Groups – Find meetings, support, and literature for families affected by addiction
  It Takes a Family | Love First – Intervention support, Structured Family Recovery, and family-focused resources
 Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab – A powerful guide to creating healthy boundaries and protecting your peace

Beyond the Grove discusses topics related to mental health, addiction, recovery, and real-life experiences. Some episodes may include mature or sensitive subject matter that could be emotionally challenging for some listeners. Listener discretion is advised.
 
 This podcast is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical, mental health, or legal advice. The content is not a substitute for consultation with qualified professionals. If you or someone you know is struggling, we strongly encourage seeking support from a licensed healthcare provider or mental health professional. In case of an emergency, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
 
 By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that the creators, hosts, and guests are not liable for any actions taken based on the content discussed. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

The On the Grove discusses topics related to mental health, addiction, recovery, and real life experiences. Some episodes may include a mature or sensitive subject matter that could be emotionally challenging for some listeners. Listener discretion is advice. This podcast is intended for informational and educational purposes only, and does not constitute professional medical, mental health, or legal advice. The content is not a substitute for consultation with qualified professionals. If you are someone you know is struggling, we strongly encourage seeking support from a licensed healthcare provider or mental health care professional. In case of an emergency, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately. While listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that the creators, hosts, and guests are not liable for any actions taken based on the content discussed.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Welcome to our episode of Beyond the Grove.

SPEAKER_03 1:07

I am Colleen, and joining me today is Edie Lockett, an amazing marriage and family therapist who works with our Next Step program. Hi, Edie. Hi, Colleen. Thanks for being here on Beyond the Grove. Really appreciate it. So we're going to talk about, I think, a really important topic and one that our listeners probably are thinking a lot about too, because they may very well be family members of a loved one who is dealing with a significant mental health care or a significant addiction issue. And you work with all of the family members of patients who are receiving addiction care here at Pine Grove at our Next Step program. When working with families, what do you find are some of the most common fears and concerns that loved ones have about their family member receiving care?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Yeah, I think that's a great question. A common fear and concern I hear a lot of times is after we've begun the process of therapy, you know, they start to see some results from their person in treatment. They start to hear, you know, how great they're feeling being sober and being in a new place. Um, so there's a lot of relief there initially. And then the fear comes in thinking about, you know, well, what about when this person comes home? Like, is this gonna stick? Um, is this gonna be lasting change? You know, am I getting my hopes up just to have them dashed? Um, and that can be really scary for family members because we can't go home with them. Um, and you know, once they leave us, we hope that they have all the tools with them to continue healing and recovering. Um, and that can be really scary for for a family.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

Also, the family has gone through trauma themselves. I mean, this is somebody in their family, whether it's an adult child or a spouse or a sibling, somebody they love very much and they care for very much. And family members themselves have also experienced a great deal of pain and grief and um mental health care concerns of their own in terms of loving as somebody in their family who's who's struggling and needs help.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Certainly. Um, I had it described to me once, like, and I think I talked about this um at a different time, but I had it described to me once like if your family was in a car crash, this really traumatic, horrible car crash. Um, and the person who's dealing with the dick addiction or mental health issue was airlifted from the scene to the hospital to get treated for their injuries. Um, and the family who also experienced the car crash, um, they might have some more minor injuries, so they don't need to be maybe airlifted to the hospital. Um it doesn't mean they're not feeling the impacts from the crash. So I think to your point, like it can be just as traumatic for the family members. Um, even though it might not look like it on the surface, um, it's still important that they're getting, I mean, you know, self-care and and love to one another, taking care of themselves while the family member is in in treatment, getting treated for their injuries, so to speak.

SPEAKER_03 4:54

Absolutely. And I would imagine that it's important to encourage family members to uh receive help from their own support groups and uh and take the time to receive self-care as well while their loved one is receiving treatment.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Um, and I think, you know, growing before I became a therapist, I my understanding of self-care was pretty surface level. Like we take a bubble bath and we go get some good food and chocolate cake and then we feel better. And I think that's still a part of self-care. Sure. Um, but self-care also includes like doing the tough things, uh talking about things you don't want to talk about and processing through the impacts and the feelings and the emotions that come up after experiencing a trauma like supporting someone in active addiction and getting them to treatment.

SPEAKER_03 5:57

So absolutely. And for patients who are receiving addiction treatment, do they have an apprehension about going back home following treatment? And what are some of the common concerns that patients may have uh regarding uh when their treatment is completed about going back home and beginning a new life, a new chapter in recovery?

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Yeah. I think sometimes we see patients that are a little too excited to go home and get back back to life, and that can be concerning um because we don't want them to leave scared or petrified to go back into the real world, but also a healthy dose of of cautious optimism is is good, I think, um, because they're going back to a world that hasn't changed. Um and so that means that it's up to them to do things differently. And that can be really, really difficult, especially if you're going back to a system that all they know is how you were in active addiction, right? Before you left for treatment. Um, which is why I think family therapy is such an a crucial component to a person's treatment, because then we're bringing in that environment and that system and we're cl including that so that when the person leaves and goes back to their life, you know, their system is already changing a little bit. So they're not just smack dab in the middle of where they came from and everybody's expecting them to behave as the addict that that they dropped off of treatment.

SPEAKER_03 7:49

Right. And what are some ways that family members struggle with or areas that they really need to pay particular concern to in terms of supporting their loved one when they come home for treatment and providing the environment that's conducive to their loved one's ongoing recovery?

SPEAKER_00 8:10

Yeah, I think that is something that is essential to lasting recovery, not just for the person in recovery, but but the family as well. Um, so setting really good boundaries is going to be important. And if we can set those before the person leaves, that's even better. Um, but I think setting boundaries around, you know, when you feel triggered or when you want to drink or when you have a craving, like what's the protocol? Um and so having kind of like a roadmap of how things are gonna look in the relationships in the family when the person comes home. Um, I think the family can often feel a lot of responsibility for holding the person accountable. Um, and I think they that it's important to for the family to to have some level of accountability with the person, but also they're not the police, right? They're not, they're not that person's manager. They're not um, they're the family, right? We want that, we want that main accountability piece to be something outside of the family, such as like, I mean, there's monitoring services like a soberlink device for someone who struggles with alcohol, or um, for people struggling with um like a porn addiction. There's monitoring software on a phone or even a sponsor, you know, somebody outside that's has an understanding of what that person is going through. Um, just so the family doesn't feel that pressure, take on that responsibility of, you know, if this person stays sober, then it's my it's my job to keep them sober.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

Right, because family members probably feel a good deal of pressure. Absolutely, particularly while their loved one is receiving care. There's probably a lot of worry about how their loved one is doing, if this is helping them, uh, if this is going to be the time or the experience that that sets my loved one on a healthy path moving forward. And so they feel probably a lot of responsibility for their on their loved ones ongoing care and recovery as well.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

Yes. Um, and I think that's only natural. Sure. Like this is your family. Right on love them. And we a lot of families that I work with love fiercely. Um and it warms my heart to see, but also I'm sorry, um, but also like you've got to take care of yourself too. Right. Um, and I think having starting that process for a family member, there can be some guilt associated and maybe not, but I've I've spoken with some people who have felt guilty, like, well, I don't need therapy, you know, they're they're the one in recovery. Why would I do that for myself? Um, and I think it's essential for someone to have, especially if you're supporting someone in recovery, like you need to have someone supporting you. Um, and whether that's a friend or um a therapist or someone that you feel is close, things therapy is amazing, right? I'm gonna plug therapy all day. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

Um, because it's someone outside of yourself and your family that doesn't have any biases and can really like challenge you and um and give you some helpful tools too in terms of navigating your life. Um, for family members, and I'm sure we have a good number of them listening to Beyond the Grove in this episode, they may have a family member in their life that is struggling with addiction or is struggling with a mental health care issue. And the family member believes that treatment would be beneficial. However, their loved one, for a variety of reasons, um, may be resistant to that. Are there some ways that family members can approach the topic of treatment with their loved one in a way that can help reduce the possibility of a negative response? I think that's something that comes up. People wonder about that and about the best way of doing that. And and they they may fear that their loved one may be hesitant to receive that message.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Yeah, and I think that's that's a really hard place to be. Um trying to help someone and support them when they don't see that it's an issue, um or they do maybe, and and they're just so deep in in what's going on for them that they can't see through it. Um so I think you know that's that's a very tricky process to navigate. But if I was to give any encouragement to family members trying to get a loved one in treatment, I would say to speak to your own experience um and your own experience of what it's like to be in a relationship with that person while they're in active addiction. Um rather than kind of like pointing the finger and saying, you know, you need to do this because, you know, A, B, C, D. Um, because while those things might be true, it's gonna be more difficult for that person to hear if they're just hearing what they're doing wrong. Um, right, because when we hear you, you, you, our defenses go up. Sure. Um, and then it's we're not worried about listening at that point in that moment. We're more worried about protecting ourselves. So I think if families can really like reach in and speak about like their experiences and how they've been impacted by this addiction, um and the person's behavior and active addiction, not in a shaming or blaming way, but out of love and concern, then that's gonna be more well received than um a shaming, you know, this, whatever this is.

SPEAKER_03 14:50

That's really helpful, Edie. And you actually wrote a recent article, and I thought it was excellent. And it was about that's a difficult conversation that you just described, and the importance of talking about how um the struggles your family member is going through, how that has impacted you personally is important. That's also an emotional conversation and a hard conversation to have. Certainly. And the article that you wrote was about the importance of really it can be a struggle to not let the emotions take precedence over the message being delivered and to really work to rein in the emotions so they don't speak louder than the message or the feelings that you're trying to convey. And I thought that was really a very important point because when you're having a difficult conversation, it is so hard to not let your emotions take center stage.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Yes. Um, especially, you know, like I said earlier, these families love very fiercely. And yeah, emotions are strong, right? Um, we're emotional beings. Um, and they a lot of times like they will just lead us around on leashes. Um and I think if we're able to get some insight into where our what our emotions are trying to tell us, um, then it would be easier to kind of like comb through them and get to what the message really is or what you're really trying to communicate, like you're saying. Um so how do we do that? I think um, first of all, like doing some introspection. Um and also bouncing that off with somebody else, you know, like a friend or a therapist. Um knowing ahead of time that this is gonna be an emotional conversation, you know, this is there's a lot attached to what's gonna come of this conversation. Um, and this could change everything, you know. The stakes are often that high. So being able to prepare is important. Um trying to, you know, maybe write down a script if you need. Um, I don't think that's a bad thing. Or really just getting our an idea of of what you want to say and what you want to get across and preparing yourself for that reaction because you know, the hope is they're like, yeah, thank you. That I need to go to treatment. You're absolutely right, right? That would be wonderful. That and sometimes that is the case. Um but oftentimes, right, the addiction is called out in that moment by the family members, and that's gonna I mean it is a beast, right? So it's going to do everything it can not to be touched. So I think that's that's a lot for a family to be up against.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

I would think, and you're the expert in this, Edie, that knowing that a conversation is going to be emotional or really hard on you personally probably helps with the preparation to just be in tune with what with where maybe you've struggled in terms of communicating before and and just sort of being aware that I need to be mindful of this when communicating this message to my loved one.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Absolutely. And I think being mindful of of how they're gonna, you know, take things and hear what if we say, and also letting them have their reaction, you know, they're we can't control how other people are gonna hear us, you know, we can't control how they're gonna react to us, we can control how we say things and how we take care of ourselves after really emotional conversations. So I think going into something like that, being able to have a plan, like, okay, I'm gonna do an intervention essentially. Um, and depending on how this person takes it, you know, whether they accept and go to treatment or decide not to, um, that's gonna that's gonna be emotional either way. So having a plan to attend to that afterwards would be important, I think.

SPEAKER_03 19:41

Absolutely. And um you did you talked a little bit about when loved ones come home and the family struggle with setting boundaries? And we hear the word boundaries a lot at Pine Grove and people use the word boundaries a lot. And for our audience that might not be familiar with what a boundary is, how would you how would you describe that in terms of setting a boundary with your loved ones? What what what would be an example of a boundary? Because, you know, sometimes I think people hear terminology and they wonder what what does that mean practically?

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Yeah, I think that's a great point because a lot of times we just say things and assume people under, you know, have the same meaning that we do. And oftentimes that could not be the case, and then miscommunications happen, and then I'm operating off this meaning while you're operating off a completely different meaning. Right. Um, so I describe boundaries as, you know, they're limits and rules that we set in relationships. So they're different from requests and preferences in that there is there's a second part to a boundary, right? There's whereas a request or a preference would be, you know, say we're having a conversation and you start talking about something that's that's gets me emotionally reactive. So I'll say, please call in, would you would you not talk about that with me? Um, you could say, yes, Ed, like I care about our relationship and I won't talk about that anymore. Right. Or you could say, screw you, like I'm going to talk about it. Right. Um, I know you wouldn't do that with yourself. I would never do that, Ed. Um, so I think a boundary differs in that I'm saying I'm setting my preference, right? I'm saying I would prefer that you do not talk about this. And if you do, I'm gonna remove myself from this conversation. So there's a second part to the boundary that's and it's not for the other person, right? That's for me. Right. Because I need to be able to protect myself. And my emotions. Um, yeah, and I'm giving you an opportunity to to hear that and to understand that so that you have the opportunity to respect my boundaries. Um, and if you choose not to, then then I'll enforce my boundary, which is removing myself from the conversation or um changing the locks on the house, or um, you know, not I don't know, it could be anything, really. It's just there needs to be a follow-through. Um, and I think that can be really, really difficult for families because that the consequences are hard.

SPEAKER_03 22:44

Really hard. Heck yeah. And particularly when you're when they come to the people that you love, for sure. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Yeah, I think I've described enabling as support without boundaries.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

Okay. That's just that's a great way to describe it because people do wonder about that too. Am I enabling? And and what is that?

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Yeah, I think um if we support is not bad, right? Support, we need support in our lives. We need connection. We say all the time around here, connection is the opposite of addiction. Um, and with that, like we need structure and we need boundaries, same. Um, so if I'm supporting you while also allowing you to disrespect my boundaries, that's not helping you. Um that's not teaching you or communicating how I need to be loved or I need to be treated in this relationship, right? It's it's letting the addiction or the mental health issue run our relationship. Um if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

It's uh CD. That is really good advice. And this is is there anything else in particular that you think our audience should be aware of or think about um if they're listening to this and they have a loved one who they believe needs help or is or is in the process of recovery? Um, just a message for family members who might be listening today.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Yeah. Um I just as someone who's dealt with addiction in my own family, I think it can be a really helpless feeling. Um, and that's very hard to contend with, you know, because we all have busy lives and a lot of times there's, you know, we have children and um other family members that need things from us, and and we have jobs and lots of busy, everyone's busy, everyone's got things going on. Yeah, it's um it can be a very helpless feeling to love someone, to not to know that my love, I can't love this person out of addiction, or I can't love this person out of their mental health issue. So I guess my advice would be just to take care of yourself. Um, and of course, do as much as you can for your loved one to get them to the services that they need. And there's also a limit, a limit to that. Um so, in other words, like don't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm. Um yeah, I guess that's what I would say.

SPEAKER_03 25:51

Edie. That's really important. That's a very important message. And I think also the message um to loved ones about the importance of receiving help themselves for sure. Well, I appreciate everybody for joining this episode of Beyond the Grove. Thank you. Please subscribe, Edie. I hope you'll consider being a guest another time and we can continue the conversation. Yeah, thank you so much for heartily appreciate it. So please subscribe and watch Beyond the Grove and tell your friends and others about it. And uh, we really appreciate the time you spent with us today. And remember, healing doesn't stop here, and neither does hope.