Episode 8: Erin and Eileene

 In this special Alumni Edition of Beyond the Grove, Pine Grove Alumni Coordinators Erin and Eileene join us for an honest, heartfelt, and often hilarious conversation about their recovery journeys. Together, they share personal stories of healing, the lessons they've learned along the way, and what life in recovery looks like today. 

Beyond the Grove discusses topics related to mental health, addiction, recovery, and real-life experiences. Some episodes may include mature or sensitive subject matter that could be emotionally challenging for some listeners. Listener discretion is advised.
 
 This podcast is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical, mental health, or legal advice. The content is not a substitute for consultation with qualified professionals. If you or someone you know is struggling, we strongly encourage seeking support from a licensed healthcare provider or mental health professional. In case of an emergency, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
 
 By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that the creators, hosts, and guests are not liable for any actions taken based on the content discussed. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Beyond the Grove discusses topics related to mental health, addiction, recovery, and real-life experiences. Some episodes may include a mature or sensitive subject matter that could be emotionally challenging for some listeners. Listener Discretion is advice. This podcast is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical, mental health, or legal advice. The content is not a substitute for consultation with qualified professionals. If you are someone you know is struggling, we strongly encourage seeking support from a licensed healthcare provider or mental health care professional. In case of an emergency, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately. By listening to this podcast, you acknowledge that the creators, hosts, and guests are not liable for any actions taken based on the content discussed.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

Hey everybody, welcome back to Beyond the Grove. My name is Aaron Conviss, and I am an alumni coordinator with Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

And we have Eileen McRae at Pine Grove, uh working with Aaron as an alumni coordinator. And we've done that for a good number of years now.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

Yes, we sure have.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

I was six or seven. Totally.

SPEAKER_03 1:30

And um, we are grateful to be here today. We're just gonna kind of have a couple banter back and forth, I guess I should say. Um, we're gonna talk a little bit about some of our stories and how that ties into what we do here at Pine Grove to give back to the patients and um how we try to inspire and make a difference here at Pine Grove. Um I have actually been in recovery for a little over 16 years. I'm grateful for that. Um, I wouldn't have it any other way. I think if you would have told me this was my life today, I never would have expected that or um, you know, signed up to be this way. You know, I didn't aspire as a child to um become a raging alcoholic and drug addict and somebody that's in recovery from an eating disorder. Um, that was not something that I really aspired to be when the teacher asked me in the first grade what I wanted to be when I grew up. Um, but definitely grateful today. Um, have seen many miracles uh throughout the course of my recovery experience and um very blessed today because I have a whole new lease on life. Um, but how I got down here to Hattiesburg, Mississippi is a very interesting story. Um, you know, I was uh running and gunning wide open, and um my family was actually getting ready to do an intervention on me. And um, whatever you want to call it, whether it's divine intervention, the stars lined up, however, this works out, um, right before this intervention was getting ready to take place, I um phoned my mother and said, I need help. And uh she said, Well, she said, your father and I are gonna help you this one last time. However, you're going away. Far, far away. That's right. She said, You're going far, far away to Mississippi for at least 90 days. And I thought to myself, in a moment of desperation, okay, I I think I can do this. And um, the only thing I knew about Mississippi was that the Ohio River emptied into the the the Mississippi. And I was just like, what have I gotten myself into? Um, you know, because I I came down here from Cincinnati, Ohio. And um, well, long story short, I never left. But um, you know, my parents were were, and and I guess I should say my my my parents and my my I have two younger sisters, they they were really outdone with me, you know, because I had I had done all the things, uh, manipulated all the all the ways, did all the lies, kind of ran through like a a tornado and just left all this wreckage in the past. And and you know, my family was was done. I had I had wrecked their lives. And um, they said, you know, we're we're sick and tired of trying to fix you and um we need to take back our lives. So we're we're gonna help you this one last time. But if you can't get this this time, you're gonna have to figure it out on your own. So do not pass go, do not collect $200. And so down to Pine Grove, I came and I never left. So, you know, I always I I tell the patients when I do groups, I said, you know, I had I had to be thoroughly convinced that I um, you know, was an alcoholic uh and and had a problem, you know, with drugs too and and an eating disorder. You know, I had to be taken, I this this disease, I had to be brought to my knees. You know, I was uh had to have the gift of desperation. We talk a lot about that. Um, you know, some are sicker than others. I I really had to be um thoroughly convinced that I had a problem, you know. Um, and I had to lose a lot of things, you know. I I didn't have anything when I came down here to treatment. So I had to have a little bit of help um when I got out of treatment. So I'm grateful for that and I'm I'm grateful to be here. Um, I'llen, do you want to share a little bit about you before we go on? Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

I'll be glad to. Um the first thing I want to say is that um when Erin's parents got her to the women's center, as they left, her mother said to her father, I think we better stay overnight in a hotel or motel or something. You know, just in case he said, Hell no, we're going to New Orleans. She's gonna be fine. So I she never left.

SPEAKER_03 5:56

That's right. And I do have to crack up about that because my dad, bless his heart, like he he is a, you know, I was always good at manipulating him and trying to um, you know, get away. I was definitely a daddy's little girl. And, you know, my mom, I have I characteristics of both my mom and dad. My but my mom is very like persistent. Let's do this, let's do this, let's do this. And my dad's like, I don't know, I don't know. And then so finally we get down here, and then my mom kind of changes her mind. And my dad's like, heck no, she's safe, she's in a good place. Let's let's go to New Orleans. I laugh about that all the time.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

And as a result of that, Pine Grove has never been the same. That's right. That is right. I just love it when somebody comes to Mississippi with all of those thoughts, you know, about what Mississippi is, and then they love it enough that they stay. And I'm particularly glad that Aaron stayed. Oh, thank you. Uh, we have a wonderful work relationship and friendship, and uh, I'm really grateful for that. That's one of my gifts of sobriety. You are. Oh. So anyway, uh, yes, I got sober on Boulder, Colorado, in 1977, the year you were born.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

Yes, Eileen likes to remind me of that. That's right. She got sober the month I was born, actually.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

That's right. Um, and then I got to treatment, I hate to say, and the back of a Boulder police car. I wouldn't have designed it like that, but that's how it shook out. And you know, uh we hear all the time, it takes what it takes. And um sometimes I think that not enough people out there in the world understand addiction. And this was a long time ago, what, 48 years ago, about 48 years ago? And a very young, young, young boulder police officer knew exactly what he was doing and how to handle that situation. Because I simply said to him, he said, I think you've had too much to drink. And I said, I think I have too. But if you lived with my husband, you'd drink too much too. And he said, Well, tell me about him. And I did, and he said, Well, it sounds like you care about him. And I said, Well, he's my children's father. Of course I care about him. And he said, Well, does he care about you? And I said, Yes, I think he does. And he said, You know, I know a lady here at this place, and uh she's open 24-7. Let's go talk to her about his drinking and see how we might be able to help him. So that's how I ended up in treatment. I hear and I heard Aaron say it this morning, grateful, that word grateful. I hear it all the time. And when I first got sober, I would hear people say they were grateful to be a recovering alcoholic. And I thought, well, right, you know, like you. I certainly didn't sign up to do this, but nevertheless, uh, I am grateful and I wouldn't take anything in this world for my recovery. It is absolutely a God-given gift. And my intervention and treatment was divinely inspired. I'm totally convinced of that. Um, there's been a lot of talk the last few years, and I'm not sure exactly why or where it started about our purpose. And how do you do you know what your purpose is? Uh, I know exactly what my purpose is. This is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And again, I've done it for 48 years. I started volunteering at um my little treatment center. There was only a little 12-bed unit, and in 77, there weren't too many women in it. I was the only woman in treatment when I was there. Everybody else was male, and uh, it was an interesting. I remember going to treatment saying, I know I'm not one of them, but I can sure act like it, and I'll make A's while I'm here and they'll let me leave. And I was scared to death to to not do what I was supposed to do because I had two wonderful little boys at home waiting for me. And uh, of course, they're I'm not gonna say OLD because they might hear this, but they are getting there. And um, you know, I think another thing that's important too, Aaron, when we talk about our recovery is our families, because man, our families suffer, I think, sometimes much more than we did. At least we drank over it, got some relief. They didn't, most of them didn't. I know my it runs rampantly in my family. My paternal grandfather was alcoholic. I have um a son who's alcoholic. I have a great grandson who's alcoholic, I have a sister who uh ultimately was alcoholic, and this is what we do. I just have to tell this quickly. This is what we do. She called me one time to come up to her house and have a cup of coffee with her one night after dinner. And I said, Oh, sure, I'll come up there. So I went up there and she said, Well, I really wanted to talk to you about something. And I said, Well, what is it? And she said, Well, I know this lady on my street who on Sunday night when she puts her trash out, she puts four or five brown paper bags of, I know they're beer cans and wine bottles in those bags, and I just want to know what you think about that. And I said, Well, I'll tell you what, I think you ought to go with me to 12-step meeting sometime. And she said, I knew you'd figure that out. I said, Well, that's not hard to do. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. But she did, and she got, she didn't drink anymore after that. And um, but I love that. I love uh anytime I can be of help to anybody who is struggling with this powerful, powerful disease. Uh, I want to be there and I want to be able to reach out and do whatever I can. Um, that's a gift, and that's my purpose, and I'm sure of that. And to keep Aaron in line, that's more difficult than it is to stay sober. Isn't that the truth? Yes, isn't that the truth?

SPEAKER_03 11:50

Even sober, it's hard to keep me in line. You know, it's so funny. I I talk a lot with people that have, you know, this illness, and and I say, Is there anybody in your family that has it? And sometimes they're like, Oh, I don't think so. I don't think so. I said, Well, I said, let's get some, let's get honest here. And and some people might not know. I mean, a lot of times it's held in secrecy and all that kind of things. And we and we say that, you know, secrets keep us sick. And I said, Well, you shake my family tree and a lot of us come falling out. I'm like, we've we've got addiction all over the place and alcoholism. Um, and you know, I definitely believe there's a genetic, you know, component to this. And like I said earlier, you know, I didn't sign up to to um, you know, for you know, for this illness. This is not something I aspired to to be, you know. I mean, obviously it we're we're so much more than than than this. However, I think that we really need to understand it and and what it all encompasses. And, you know, I used to be so frustrated. I was talking to somebody about this today. You know, I would the whole the whole thing of, you know, being an alcoholic is like I would try so hard to control the situation, you know, doing something different every time. You know, maybe I'll maybe I'll just drink on the weekends, or maybe I'll just have, you know, beer instead of liquor, or maybe I'll have the white liquor instead of the brown liquor, maybe I'll do it this way and not that way, just so that I could just do it and not have consequences and enjoy it and, you know, drink like a lady, or what, you know, the all the things that we try to do. And it's just so frustrating and so um this, it's just so insidious the things that we do to try to be quote unquote normal. Um and we're not. We're we're we're our bodies are not, and nor are our minds. And so um, you know, we have to learn to, you know, not take the substance uh and also to heal ourselves. You know, that's just such a more of a larger scale about what we have to do once we just stop the stop the drinking or stop the drug use or stop whatever the behavior is. And um, it's so funny. I've had people say, you mean you still you still, you know, take care of yourself or you still do those things that you have to do? And I'm saying, yeah, you don't want me to not do these things. I say, because I can turn into a real nightmare if I don't I can turn into a real nightmare. And so um, you know, to speak to your point about you know what our purpose is in life. And I I I really believe that this is my purpose too, to be honest with you, Eileen, like giving back and helping others, you know, to be of service. It's been one of the most rewarding um, you know, experiences of my life. Yeah, you know, and if I ever, if if I ever thought I'd be living in Hattiesburg, Mississippi and working at a treatment center, I would have told you that you were nuts, that you were nuts. But um, yeah, so when I got out of treatment at the women's center, I really I wasn't ready to go back to my hometown. And so I got out and um I did I did some uh another job before I came here um to to Pine Grove, but when when this job became available, I jumped on the chance to come work here and give back. And I I think it's wonderful. And um, you know, the things that we do here at Pine Grove with the Alumni Association is is like none other, you know. And I we just had a huge reunion this weekend to see the the uh smiling faces of the people coming back and sharing their experience after they um discharge from treatment and go out into the world because you know, this is just the beginning for the patients when they're here and they're kind of in this safe little bubble and they're learning all these tools and they're, you know, basically having to kind of start their life over from like ground zero, right? And so they're in this protective little space and um, you know, they feel safe and they're learning all these things, and then all of a sudden they get thrown out back into the real world and they're learning all these therapeutic tools and all these things, and then they're thrown back out into the world. And you mentioned too, like families, you know, and friends, and and these people might not have had all of the therapeutic tools and the and the guidance and all this kind of stuff, and they're thrown out and it's like now what? Right? Absolutely. And um, I think that it's great that we have they have an opportunity to stay in contact with you know, people like us because we talk a lot about connection and finding your people and being able to share your dirt and your secrets, and and we give them that opportunity to be able to do that once they leave so that they can still, you know, um stay connected and share with with people.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Yeah. Well, you know, the we this past weekend, we always enjoy that because we love to see the alums come back and uh we love to see them interact with our current patients as well. Um we talk a lot about addiction being the disease of isolation, and that's what we do, and the opposite of that is connection, right? So that's one thing that we do to help promote that. And um this past weekend at our dinner banquet, I at one point I stood up, I think we were had had just dismissed and were leaving, but there were what there were probably what a hundred and hundred people there, but um, and there were patients and uh alums there together and our guest speakers and whatever. But at one point I looked across the room before as we were leaving, and people were laughing and shaking hands and hugging each other, and immediately my heart said, This is what it is, this is connection, and this is how it works. Um, I have a brother-in-law who said something to me that was really profound one day, and um he and my sister-in-law were invited to an event in Jackson where my late husband and I were being given an award, and we didn't know they were coming, but that's beside the point. But um, when it was over, I said to him, I just am so appreciative that y'all came. My family is too far away, and I'm so glad that y'all came and could be here with John and me. And uh he said, we wouldn't miss it. Anytime y'all invite us to anything with your people, we like to come because my people aren't like this. He said, We still are out there at 80 and 90 years old trying to do good and look good on the outside, and y'all like each other just the way you are. And I said, Well, of course, because we don't have to build a friendship. We already know each other's dirt. So it's pretty easy to step into a friendship with like-minded and uh like-given people. So we are blessed to have that. Uh, I just think sometimes about the people out there in the world who go their whole entire lives and never make a solid, sincere, honest connection with other people. And I can tell you right now, if I woke up in the night and was gravely ill, I could pick up my phone and call Erin and she would be there. I have other friends, of course, in Hattiesburg that I could pick up my phone and call and they would be there. Um it's uh interesting to me how that works. I um not to, I certainly don't want to put a downer on this, but I want to illustrate a point. I lost a grandson a little over a year ago. He was killed in an automobile accident, and I was told that uh he was going to the emergency room and that it did not look good. And so I called one person, my supervisor, and said, I won't be in today at all. This is what's happened. And within 30 minutes, Aaron was in my living room, Debbie Sanford was in my living room, Colleen Munkel was in my living room, surrounding me. I was sitting in a chair. I can see it in my mind's eye. They were sitting on the floor around me, all three of them. And I knew at that moment this was gonna be hard, but it was gonna be okay, that I didn't have to do it by myself. And that's what happens when you make these kinds of connections. And that's what we're talking about when we say that we need to move from isolation to connection. I'm not talking about connecting with somebody by you know their first name and say, Hey, how are you in the hall? That's not what I'm talking about. When we connect, we really connect with each other. What a greater gift can there be? None. There is none.

unknown 20:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

So I'm now good friends with Aaron's mom and dad, and love to hear from them and talk to them and report to them how she's behaving or not. And isn't that the truth?

SPEAKER_03 20:30

That's hilarious. And and to speak to that point about connection, like I think too, when we talk about isolation, a lot of times we'll like people think sometimes like physically we isolate, but we also isolate, like you said, like in our mind. Um and emotionally. And that's the thing, that's the benefit that we get when we get into this life of recovery. Like we get honest, we get in the trenches with these people. Like, that's how we learn. Like we have to get down, you know, we really have to get that, like I said, that gift of desperation and be thoroughly convinced. And we have to like get down deep and share the most intimate things about our lives with each other. Right. And that is like the vulnerability, and that's how we build that connection and that's how we make these lasting friendships. So people really get to know us, you know. We we get to like, and and that's it. That's the whole thing about that. And not that like the human condition, like people in the world can't have like good friends and things like that. And also because we have to get so miserable and desperate, I think that is what has to, you know, because we have to build ourselves back up, you know, start from ground zero. And so I think that's the huge thing about the connection.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 21:45

Um, and and kind of what's so beautiful about it, you know. And I thought, oh my gosh, I'm never gonna be able to do this. But this is it is, it's it really is. So it's it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful experience.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

And once you commit, it's easy. Yeah. To do that. Um, my late husband and I uh lost a son, his oldest son. Um, and then of course I lost my Andrew uh last year. But my late husband said to me one day shortly after Chip died, he said, about three months later, he said, You're not gonna believe this. And I said, What? And he said, I did not think one time about drinking during all of this. And uh when we got back from that funeral, we were sitting outside on our porch one night, the day we got back, and a car turned in the driveway, and he said, Oh no, it's gonna be company. And I said, Well, you don't know that. Maybe they're just turning around. He said, No, they're not just turning around. Well, four people got out of the car that we knew in recovery, and they walked up to the front step, and one of them said, Doc, we don't know what to say, but could we just sit with you for a while? So that's the kind of friendships that we develop and grow. That, you know, that's true. That's important to remember. Those friendships don't stay put, you know, we continue to grow, grow with them. Um, I think that's important. I was always embarrassed for or thought I should be embarrassed for my children, uh, their friends to know that their father and I were uh chemically dependent. And so I was always very careful about anything that I said about addiction or recovery or alcoholism or whatever. And one afternoon, my older son was in the fifth grade. I was at home standing in front of the stove cooking dinner. He came in. I said, Come in here and tell me about your day. And he started telling me. And then he said, Oh, by the way, uh, Miss Hale, his teacher, said that next week in our health uh class, we're gonna start talking about addiction and alcoholism. And I told her she ought to get you to come up here because you're an alcoholic and you know all about it. And so I thought to, I stood there, I stood there and cried. I literally cried because what he said was, I'm not ashamed of you, mom, I'm proud of you. Right. And so um, just be open, just be honest, speak your truth, uh, be yourself, um, love yourself and let it spill over to others. That's our goal here. Right. And I love that.

SPEAKER_03 24:20

Isn't that so interesting, especially with kids? You know, they're so honest and they just tell it all. And it's like, I think that you hit the nail on the head, it takes the shame away from it when we're just honest and we can finally just accept it for what it is. Yes. And I think that that's the thing about it. I think so many of us hide in secrecy and shame and and you know, it it you know, we don't want to talk about it and we don't want to share for fear of what the public or society or what people are going to think of us. Right. What is gonna happen? And I think like the human condition in society is it we run on fear. We run on fear, and also so much more the people that are in addiction, right? And it's like we we it's it's it's like what what's gonna happen? What what is gonna happen if we just say our truth?

SPEAKER_00 25:21

Right.

SPEAKER_03 25:22

That's you know, and that's the this is this is so cliche, but it is so true. Like the truth it the truth is gonna set you free. And it really does, because you know, once you just spill it all out and just get honest, it's like, okay, I have nothing else to hide. You know, I don't have anything. This is it, this is what it is, this is how it happened. You know, I'm taking accountability and responsibility for the things that I've done. Like I said earlier, you know, I was like a tornado coming through, and it was like I would, you know, come to the next day or what whatever the situation would be, and I would, you know, leave all this stuff behind, and everybody else would be trying to pick up these pieces for me and I would just keep on going, you know? And it would make for more shame or more guilt or whatever, and I would keep doing the same thing over and over. And finally, when I, you know, got in recovery and started taking accountability and responsibility, I didn't have that shame anymore. Right, you know. Um, and it it really does set you free. And and that's kind of what we're doing here too at Pine Grove to kind of tie this all together and how we, you know, want to carry that message and hope to people out there.

SPEAKER_00 26:33

Right. And show them that freedom. That's right. Have to get to it. Right. And that's a beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

And and that that they're not alone, you know. You you don't have to one, you don't have to do this alone. You know, two, you don't, you know, I I again I get, I get it. The fear, this being scared, what what are people gonna think? But we are we're here. We're here to help and uh to support you and to be here with you on your journey. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Well, um, somebody told me if you really love what you do, you never work a day in your life. Oh, yeah. And I know that's true because that's how I feel. Yeah. Um, but uh it's just a uh it's a beautiful gift, an absolute beautiful gift. And um I said to somebody one time that uh I said if you had cancer, you wouldn't be ashamed about that, right? Or mind telling anybody about that. Right. And this is the same thing. It's a disease, it has an etiology and pathology all of its own. And so um learn that, know that, accept that, believe that, right, and move forward with your head held high. That's right. So I enjoyed spending this time with you. I know, Mr. Aaron, I'm glad we got called on to do this. That's right. Yeah, great. That's right.

SPEAKER_03 27:51

Um, and I I do want to say, you know, and and also with that, um, like you said, that it if somebody did have cancer or diabetes or something like that, um, you know, you wouldn't be ashamed of that. And I think that with the the addiction and things like that, there's a lot of consequences that come along with it. And so I think a lot of times um people that don't struggle with with it sometimes don't understand and they don't, you know, why can't you just control? Or, you know, and then a lot of people are that are around the person that does have the the illness, they are affected. Um, and so I think that that there's some misunderstanding and there's a lot of hurt families, like you said, and friends and things like that. So I think too, part of being in recovery is also, you know, um not to give excuses for people like let's just move it along. Like obviously we want to take accountability and responsibility too. And I think that's what we're here to do to support you on your journey and kind of help you find a way to build up your self-esteem and take accountability and responsibility for some of the things that you know happened. So and that's what we do here with our alumni services.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

We also do a little book club or book study on Monday nights with our alums. And then on today, on Thursdays at noon, we um have a little alumni group, and uh we enjoy that and enjoy getting to see the alums who come back for those things. It's fun to do. Um, and even on Monday night, I don't mind working on Monday night because I get to see some of those people and see how they're doing. That's right. Uh do something with them together that's very constructive and helpful.

SPEAKER_03 29:38

So and to see how people have progressed over the years, yes, absolutely. And how they grow emotionally and spiritually. Right. For sure.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

Well, it's been great. It has been great.

unknown 29:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

Thank you for joining us. Healing doesn't stop here, and neither does hope.

SPEAKER_01 29:58

If you like this podcast episode, please subscribe to Beyond the Grove for future episodes. We really appreciate our audience. And for more information about Pine Grove, behavioral health and addiction services, please visit Pine Grove Treatment.com and call 1 888 574 Hope. Numerically, that's 1 888 574 4673.